In the past, it vanished like the wind - it was quick and swift. Everything was gone before I could realize it. But that was just like scraping the first layer of soil of the surface. Nothing was deep, it was nothing but a rice grain to the giant of the heart.

But still it happened.

And it haunts me, everytime something close seems to blow past. People always say that when once bitten, twice shy. Shy has become my mould, a dwelling providing solace after a painful experience that left me crippled even till today, and I reckon would stick with me till my heart comes to a standstill.

I live in fear, of something like that happening again.

I live in fear, of breaking my vow to never shatter another person's heart.

I live in fear, of having to demolish the trust a person always had for me.

I live in fear, of dragging problems and magnifying them.

I live in fear, of failing to trust myself to trust others, for what they trust in me.

I live in fear, of letting painful memories displace my heartfelt feelings.

I live in fear, of living in fear.

It was a long winding path below.

It meandered like a snake crawling through the sand.

It spiralled like a tornado perpendicular to land.

Some took a path, that no one would bestow.

A spiral that took years to bend,

Was now exploited by the human hand.

A lift that shot right into the sky,

An option some thought would oust to an all-time high.

Arithmetically proven like any graph or line,

Paths would cross at an unforeseen time.

A time we make a precarious choice,

A time flustered with fear and noise.

Standing a mere inch off the cliff,

Across the sea the horizon shifts.

Ahead, look down, like a massive crevasse,

Its time, we tested our leap of faith.

Its been a little more than 2 weeks, since we counted down to 2010. 2 weeks was all it took, for me to smile, scream, sober, saunter, serenade. A short span of 2 weeks i'll remember for the rest of my life, because of meaningful, heart-warming events.

The lingering warmth.

The fuzzy buzz.

The crackly voices.

The sore tears.

The talkative nights.

And, we end this week on a wonderful note. Thanks to my cousin Jingyi for singing this with me. And I post my song here, dedicated to well, someone (LOL)

Disappointed in what I've done.

Disappointed in how I've let people down.

Sorry.

I'm just a fucked up kid.

I have a lot of people to thank for the year that has just gone by, and I hope we look into the year 2010, with a smile - and that 2012 won't happen (: Time could never be any quicker. Last year, many would remember that this day was called "km got esther's first 2009 scolding" day, well FAMOUSLY known. Yet we stepped through those times. We made the most of noises, we made the most of our smiles - and we made the best of everything we could grasp onto. Feelings of confusion, fear, love, laughter all in one memorable 16th; a 365 day-long journey.

I look at myself in the mirror. It was a reflection I wanted to see, yet didn't want to. I looked at Me, and Me looked at me - I wanted to see how I've grown, but I hated to see how I've changed. A colourful year put me past my past wrongs, and the dark times of my past. I'd always thought that life can be manipulated, but I now believe that my flawed hypothesis could sometimes be wrong. In 365 days, a change took place, one that slipped flawlessly into a path I was fated to take. The path was winding, and would never cease to stop being that way.

I took 365 days of 2009 to understand myself.

I'll take 365 days to follow my heart.

the deepest vow I would never forget I said.

I swore at the least that on my part,

I'd never break a person's heart.

Loud ominous voices emanate,

one tile of trust that seals our fates.

A windowed heart for a gorgeous start,

a permanent lot that you can park.

A year later now where we stand,

a year we've gone through with the hand.

A new start that we would have to shoulder,

Icecream lessons on various elements're yet officialized under (:

Sometimes when we look back at what happened over the year, we frown at our mistakes. But at times we smile, at the beautiful things that have happened. Since Christmas is coming soon (YEAH :D) I figured I'd reflect a little on my year before i have to make resolutions. Well, last year, I had a motto "make or break 2009", and hopefully I can safely say I made it, with a smile too. I have alot of people to thank - but i'll keep that to a real personal basis (: HAHA, in order to post more next time, I'm limiting myself to continue in chapter two!

Well something less heavy again. I've been watching 8 mile a couple of times these few days and I tell you its an awesome film (well if you can take the vulgarities and stuff) but this is real cool omg. Okay you can take it as a commercial break, i suppose? :P

8 mile's final 3 rap battles: